Maybe it's the curse of youth to be idealistic. Maybe coming to terms with reality is part of becoming an adult - to face the fact that you just can't do certain things given constraints like time, physical and mental limitations. I don't really want to be an astronaut, I would just really like to see space. I'm sure the time will come when it will be possible for me to do so, so I'm not too worried about that.
I'd like to write music, but for some reason I've yet to unlock a door in my brain that connects melody and word. Maybe that will just take time, too.
I love to move, so a dance or Kung Fu class is always satisfying, but finding the time in my crazy schedule for either is a near impossibility.
Maybe I ask too much. Should one expect to have the time for some of the things that makes one happy if one's schedule is filled with so many money-earning duties as to make one completely incapable of partaking in one's passions? Maybe It's not that I ask too much, maybe I ask too often. Maybe my head is so full of questions there's no room for answers.
Perhaps the questions need time to reduce on my mental backburner, much like a sauce cannot be rushed but allow to simmer away, one ingredient slowly blending into another until they are one in the same and inextricable.
I want to invent something. I want my creativity and problem-solving to work for me. I want to learn a language - I've always had a propensity for language - musically-minded people do, so I've read.
I'm twenty-five. I've been told I'm an old soul. I feel old. I feel worn out. My time is done, time to move to the side and make way for the new generation with their pad computers and their fucking twitter and all the other distractions that keep us from realizing our true potential as creators. The time for idealization is over. The world won't be saved by me so I might as well shut the fuck up and wait for whoever wants to get their fingerprints on this train wreck. Maybe it's just time for sleep.
This sounds remarkably like the quarter life crisis I just went through. I think perhaps that youth is wasted on the young. Not that it's our fault at all. But it takes time to get the time and ability to do what we want- by which time we're no longer young. Prolonged satifaction of all your wants starts to ache- but I assure you that you'll reach a place you enjoy soon enough. Be patient with yourself.
ReplyDelete